TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let's have An additional position in which American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply All people a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is that he really should halt utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the venture, replied, "You know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from space, a function being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after obtaining the developing's gold plating Trump Tower Damascus mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by friends could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting interest from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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